April 22, 2020
my dear butt buddy,
The point of writing these letters isn't to blame you, but merely to express my feelings. I want to make it very clear that I know you have feelings and issues and reasons too.
I don't understand when you don't reply to me.
If I asked others about this situation they'd probably tell me that you not responding is you communicating that you don't want to talk to me. But in the moments you've spoken to me you've seemed to indicate that this isn't true. That you like hearing from me? This doesn't really compute for me.
But even if I can take it as true. I have a hard time because it's rather crushing to open myself up and not receive a response.
My friend said that just because you're going through your own shit doesn't mean that my shit doesn't matter. I told him that I come second now in everything. He didn't like that. I don't know where I stand on this because it's not even an option for you to care about anything in my life right now so why bother?
It's interesting though. It was hard to stop myself from telling you things at first. I wanted to tell you about things I saw that you'd appreciate or things that reminded me of you or just to talk to you. But once I broke myself of that habit it's surprisingly easy. I still think about you, but in an abstract sense, like I wouldn't even know where to begin having a normal relationship again.
Recently you told me that you like when I send you things but to not expect a response. The rest of that day I was thinking more about what I could be sending you. I did send you a few things that I honestly thought you'd engage with (but you didn't). I think my not sending you more things is a combination of enjoying the feedback/attention from you reacting to what I send and you coming to mind less and less, which I would imagine would devastate you. Or maybe not. I feel like I don't know you anymore.
One thing we talked about early on is trust. We talked about how it's important to trust that your friends will let you know when you cross a boundary such as telling a joke that hits them the wrong way. At one point I did trust you to do that, but as of today, April 22, 2020, I do not. But that's not even my point here. We didn't discuss another type of trust. The trust that when you say something that is important to you, particularly heart matters, you're taken with a similar degree of seriousness you've intended. Having someone you care about take things that matter to you seriously is kind of underrated. I certainly never realised the importance to me until it was gone. Now I have people to share things that matter to me with, but they're not you. And I think that would be a hard thing for you to hear, but maybe you wouldn't care. What do I know anymore? I tell you after I've told everyone else and a few days after the thing. When I applied for that job I told you two weeks later. Not telling you immediately was intentional, then I just forgot and realised I should probably mention it. But unsurprisingly you didn't have the reaction I would have wanted in the moment and you replied several hours later, which for you was actually impressive. Faster than the two days I've become accustomed to.
When you tell me you love me, which happens infrequently now, sometimes I'm not in the loving mood. Often it has to do with you and this specific situation, not just my general mood, but sometimes it is my general mood (as you know, I'm typically quite an upbeat person), but intellectually I know I love you so I respond that way, but usually all I can muster is a "ly2" so that's going to have to suffice. I know that if I don't give you energy when you're engaging with me I risk losing you even more. Which.... at this point? Might be best. But I'll stay in this holding pattern for now until I decide.
my dear butt buddy,
The point of writing these letters isn't to blame you, but merely to express my feelings. I want to make it very clear that I know you have feelings and issues and reasons too.
I don't understand when you don't reply to me.
If I asked others about this situation they'd probably tell me that you not responding is you communicating that you don't want to talk to me. But in the moments you've spoken to me you've seemed to indicate that this isn't true. That you like hearing from me? This doesn't really compute for me.
But even if I can take it as true. I have a hard time because it's rather crushing to open myself up and not receive a response.
My friend said that just because you're going through your own shit doesn't mean that my shit doesn't matter. I told him that I come second now in everything. He didn't like that. I don't know where I stand on this because it's not even an option for you to care about anything in my life right now so why bother?
It's interesting though. It was hard to stop myself from telling you things at first. I wanted to tell you about things I saw that you'd appreciate or things that reminded me of you or just to talk to you. But once I broke myself of that habit it's surprisingly easy. I still think about you, but in an abstract sense, like I wouldn't even know where to begin having a normal relationship again.
Recently you told me that you like when I send you things but to not expect a response. The rest of that day I was thinking more about what I could be sending you. I did send you a few things that I honestly thought you'd engage with (but you didn't). I think my not sending you more things is a combination of enjoying the feedback/attention from you reacting to what I send and you coming to mind less and less, which I would imagine would devastate you. Or maybe not. I feel like I don't know you anymore.
One thing we talked about early on is trust. We talked about how it's important to trust that your friends will let you know when you cross a boundary such as telling a joke that hits them the wrong way. At one point I did trust you to do that, but as of today, April 22, 2020, I do not. But that's not even my point here. We didn't discuss another type of trust. The trust that when you say something that is important to you, particularly heart matters, you're taken with a similar degree of seriousness you've intended. Having someone you care about take things that matter to you seriously is kind of underrated. I certainly never realised the importance to me until it was gone. Now I have people to share things that matter to me with, but they're not you. And I think that would be a hard thing for you to hear, but maybe you wouldn't care. What do I know anymore? I tell you after I've told everyone else and a few days after the thing. When I applied for that job I told you two weeks later. Not telling you immediately was intentional, then I just forgot and realised I should probably mention it. But unsurprisingly you didn't have the reaction I would have wanted in the moment and you replied several hours later, which for you was actually impressive. Faster than the two days I've become accustomed to.
When you tell me you love me, which happens infrequently now, sometimes I'm not in the loving mood. Often it has to do with you and this specific situation, not just my general mood, but sometimes it is my general mood (as you know, I'm typically quite an upbeat person), but intellectually I know I love you so I respond that way, but usually all I can muster is a "ly2" so that's going to have to suffice. I know that if I don't give you energy when you're engaging with me I risk losing you even more. Which.... at this point? Might be best. But I'll stay in this holding pattern for now until I decide.
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