April 29, 2020
my dear butt buddy,
I had felt like I didn't have anything else to say. It felt good to get it all out. I had been holding onto that stuff for a while.
A few days ago you sent me a tweet. It read:
"Is there an emoji for, "I saw your text but didn't know how to perfectly respond to it so I waited until I knew exactly what to say but it's been three weeks now so now I just feel microbursts of shame every time I see your name in the elephant graveyard of messages on my phone?".
I said "Aw (heartbreak emoji).
I wanted you to ask me about my feelings about that, but that was foolish. You don't ask me about my feelings. You don't talk to me.
If you had asked me, I would have told you that I was sad that you felt shame, but that I was happy that it meant you cared.
I don't feel cared for. If you cared that would mean something to me. I don't even feel like you care a little bit. You did ask to watch Killing Eve "some time". That's not a direct quote but it really gets the meaning. It means that you kind of think it would maybe be nice, it also keeps me on the hook, which you want to keep doing. But then you don't talk to me. And I have tried every day since you sent that tweet. I try once, because I can't get too invested.
You know what I feel when I see your name in the messages list? Regret. I regret that I gave you so much of me. I regret that I care. I regret that I kept trying for so long. It's so much easier to not care.
As much as I truly do mean all of this (I would never say anything to intentionally hurt you), I also understand that your lack of desire to talk to me isn't your fault. I say this coming from a place of your inner self liking me and enjoying me and wanting to talk to me, which is presumptuous. But anyway. Here we are. If your inner self does want me in your life, your other inner self isn't making it easy. But I still think you should be doing a better job of securing the things that you know are important. I know you'd be capable of watching things with me, even if you're mostly just playing Animal Crossing. And I have been offering for ages. So now I've stopped, of course. And I feel good about that decision. Because you're continuously not choosing me. Not investing in our relationship. Not putting anything at all toward our relationship.
I don't know how your other friends recover from your episodes and still feel the same way about you. They seem okay with you being a shit friend. Replying in 2-6 business days. If we're still friends after this is won't be the same. I will have to be guarded. You'll feel it, probably. You'll try to convince yourself that it's just in your head. And I won't be able to reassure you. I don't think I'll have it in me to tell that big a lie.
my dear butt buddy,
I had felt like I didn't have anything else to say. It felt good to get it all out. I had been holding onto that stuff for a while.
A few days ago you sent me a tweet. It read:
"Is there an emoji for, "I saw your text but didn't know how to perfectly respond to it so I waited until I knew exactly what to say but it's been three weeks now so now I just feel microbursts of shame every time I see your name in the elephant graveyard of messages on my phone?".
I said "Aw (heartbreak emoji).
I wanted you to ask me about my feelings about that, but that was foolish. You don't ask me about my feelings. You don't talk to me.
If you had asked me, I would have told you that I was sad that you felt shame, but that I was happy that it meant you cared.
I don't feel cared for. If you cared that would mean something to me. I don't even feel like you care a little bit. You did ask to watch Killing Eve "some time". That's not a direct quote but it really gets the meaning. It means that you kind of think it would maybe be nice, it also keeps me on the hook, which you want to keep doing. But then you don't talk to me. And I have tried every day since you sent that tweet. I try once, because I can't get too invested.
You know what I feel when I see your name in the messages list? Regret. I regret that I gave you so much of me. I regret that I care. I regret that I kept trying for so long. It's so much easier to not care.
As much as I truly do mean all of this (I would never say anything to intentionally hurt you), I also understand that your lack of desire to talk to me isn't your fault. I say this coming from a place of your inner self liking me and enjoying me and wanting to talk to me, which is presumptuous. But anyway. Here we are. If your inner self does want me in your life, your other inner self isn't making it easy. But I still think you should be doing a better job of securing the things that you know are important. I know you'd be capable of watching things with me, even if you're mostly just playing Animal Crossing. And I have been offering for ages. So now I've stopped, of course. And I feel good about that decision. Because you're continuously not choosing me. Not investing in our relationship. Not putting anything at all toward our relationship.
I don't know how your other friends recover from your episodes and still feel the same way about you. They seem okay with you being a shit friend. Replying in 2-6 business days. If we're still friends after this is won't be the same. I will have to be guarded. You'll feel it, probably. You'll try to convince yourself that it's just in your head. And I won't be able to reassure you. I don't think I'll have it in me to tell that big a lie.
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