April 21, 2020
We've had a tough time these past six months. A lot has happened.... bonds broken.
This blog is about me though. It will be about my feelings because I know my feelings better than I know yours. I always will, but you're also not talking to me right now.
You missed my birthday. I didn't need anything big, but an acknowledgment would have been nice. I know you had things going on, but that honestly doesn't change anything for me. It was one day. You could have said "hbd". Showed that you at least thought about me. It was especially hurtful after I had made a big deal for your birthday a few weeks earlier, just as you had wanted. I thought that surely if your birthday was a big deal to you you'd make mine a big deal too.
I haven't told you this because I know it would just hurt you. As much as I want to be honest with you, I don't think this would help our relationship and it would just make you feel bad.
When we were going through a particularly rough patch you said "I will come back. I don't know when or how but I will. And knowing you'll still be there makes it all a lot easier" and that made me feel really trapped. As though I'm responsible for making it "easier" for you. I do want to make it easier for you, but for some reason I do also want to feel like I can walk away.
But this puts me at huge conflict because I feel like you don't want me but also that you need me? How can both be true? They can't. Maybe reality is closer to the middle. I don't know anything anymore.
You joke about how I'm needy. I would say that's true, but there are reasons.
Primarily I just enjoy you. I enjoy talking to you. I want to be there for you.
I am also not great at entertaining myself. So thanks, I guess, for forcing me to work on that. I always knew how to put on Netflix or find something productive to do, and this sounds like a brag, but I need more than that. I can't just watch something, I have to be doing something else too. It's hard to occupy myself to that degree.
I also have become an insecure person. Actually, I'm not sure that's entirely true. But with you I feel very insecure. I never thought I'd be like this, but I just don't understand you anymore. I know you don't want "real" conversations, but that's probably 85% of what I want from you right now. Our very needs are in conflict, so mine get pushed to the side. I make that my choice, for the most part, but I also know that if/when I try to get my needs met they don't get met. So, it's easier for my heart to just not try.
I don't feel confident that you even like me. That you want to talk to me at all. Am I an obligation? It feels like you'd rather talk to anyone else, engage with everyone else, before you engage with me. And that feels really shitty. Really really shitty.
I know I'm "allowed" to message you when I feel like it, but I just have to not expect a response. But that's not fun. There is no point... no enjoyment for me. The one time I could see doing that is if I have something that I think might make you feel better or smile or something. But even with that, if I don't get feedback I don't know that you enjoyed it so I would not be inclined to send something like that in the future. But you don't want to hear this. You don't want to talk about anything "real". You probably don't want any criticism right now. And that's really hard for me.
I just want you to care.
We've had a tough time these past six months. A lot has happened.... bonds broken.
This blog is about me though. It will be about my feelings because I know my feelings better than I know yours. I always will, but you're also not talking to me right now.
You missed my birthday. I didn't need anything big, but an acknowledgment would have been nice. I know you had things going on, but that honestly doesn't change anything for me. It was one day. You could have said "hbd". Showed that you at least thought about me. It was especially hurtful after I had made a big deal for your birthday a few weeks earlier, just as you had wanted. I thought that surely if your birthday was a big deal to you you'd make mine a big deal too.
I haven't told you this because I know it would just hurt you. As much as I want to be honest with you, I don't think this would help our relationship and it would just make you feel bad.
When we were going through a particularly rough patch you said "I will come back. I don't know when or how but I will. And knowing you'll still be there makes it all a lot easier" and that made me feel really trapped. As though I'm responsible for making it "easier" for you. I do want to make it easier for you, but for some reason I do also want to feel like I can walk away.
But this puts me at huge conflict because I feel like you don't want me but also that you need me? How can both be true? They can't. Maybe reality is closer to the middle. I don't know anything anymore.
Primarily I just enjoy you. I enjoy talking to you. I want to be there for you.
I am also not great at entertaining myself. So thanks, I guess, for forcing me to work on that. I always knew how to put on Netflix or find something productive to do, and this sounds like a brag, but I need more than that. I can't just watch something, I have to be doing something else too. It's hard to occupy myself to that degree.
I also have become an insecure person. Actually, I'm not sure that's entirely true. But with you I feel very insecure. I never thought I'd be like this, but I just don't understand you anymore. I know you don't want "real" conversations, but that's probably 85% of what I want from you right now. Our very needs are in conflict, so mine get pushed to the side. I make that my choice, for the most part, but I also know that if/when I try to get my needs met they don't get met. So, it's easier for my heart to just not try.
I don't feel confident that you even like me. That you want to talk to me at all. Am I an obligation? It feels like you'd rather talk to anyone else, engage with everyone else, before you engage with me. And that feels really shitty. Really really shitty.
I know I'm "allowed" to message you when I feel like it, but I just have to not expect a response. But that's not fun. There is no point... no enjoyment for me. The one time I could see doing that is if I have something that I think might make you feel better or smile or something. But even with that, if I don't get feedback I don't know that you enjoyed it so I would not be inclined to send something like that in the future. But you don't want to hear this. You don't want to talk about anything "real". You probably don't want any criticism right now. And that's really hard for me.
I just want you to care.
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