mydearbuttbuddy

June 1st, 2020 My dear butt buddy, I almost have a girlfriend. I say "almost" but I don't know how close I actually am. She is literally the cutest. She ticks off all my boxes. I feel incredibly lucky to have connected with her, and she lives about 20 mins from me! So close! We talk every day. She is in therapy and doing pretty well. I am so excited. But I don't feel like I can tell you. I have no idea how you'll react, and I feel like I can better gauge and manage it if I tell you when you're talking to me. But you're not talking to me. We haven't talked in two weeks. I have tried but you haven't responded. I hope you're not upset with me, and you're probably not. But I wish I could hear something from you. I miss you.

April 29, 2020 my dear butt buddy, I had felt like I didn't have anything else to say. It felt good to get it all out. I had been holding onto that stuff for a while. A few days ago you sent me a tweet. It read:        "Is there an emoji for, "I saw your text but didn't know how to perfectly respond to it so I waited until I knew exactly what to say but it's been three weeks now so now I just feel microbursts of shame every time I see your name in the elephant graveyard of messages on my phone?". I said "Aw (heartbreak emoji). I wanted you to ask me about my feelings about that, but that was foolish. You don't ask me about my feelings. You don't talk to me. If you had asked me, I would have told you that I was sad that you felt shame, but that I was happy that it meant you cared. I don't feel cared for. If you cared that would mean something to me. I don't even feel like you care a little bit. You did ask to watch Killing E...

April 22, 2020 my dear butt buddy, The point of writing these letters isn't to blame you, but merely to express my feelings. I want to make it very clear that I know you have feelings and issues and reasons too. I don't understand when you don't reply to me. If I asked others about this situation they'd probably tell me that you not responding is you communicating that you don't want to talk to me. But in the moments you've spoken to me you've seemed to indicate that this isn't true. That you like hearing from me? This doesn't really compute for me. But even if I can take it as true. I have a hard time because it's rather crushing to open myself up and not receive a response. My friend said that just because you're going through your own shit doesn't mean that my shit doesn't matter. I told him that I come second now in everything. He didn't like that. I don't know where I stand on this because it's not even an o...

April 21, 2020 We've had a tough time these past six months. A lot has happened.... bonds broken. This blog is about me though. It will be about my feelings because I know my feelings better than I know yours. I always will, but you're also not talking to me right now. You missed my birthday. I didn't need anything big, but an acknowledgment would have been nice. I know you had things going on, but that honestly doesn't change anything for me. It was one day. You could have said "hbd". Showed that you at least thought about me. It was especially hurtful after I had made a big deal for your bir thday a few weeks earlier, just as you had wanted. I thought that surely if your birthday was a big deal to you you'd make mine a big deal too.  I haven't told you this because I know it would just hurt you. As much as I want to be honest with you, I don't think this would help our relationship and it would just make you feel bad. When we were going th...